Category Archives: Video

I will ruin myself against you

I used to be upstanding, outstanding

Hip, cool, a cracking whip
struck low by a half-pint chanteuse
in a polka dot dress and cherry red lipstick
A dime store clerk in a $20 dress
stressed for success
She hangs her head, convinced of a failure
of an intention not begun
An intention still born, dead

CHORUS
I will ruin myself against you
I will drag myself through filth
I will slay a dragon for you
I will give you all my wealth

My walls will tumble through you
my walls will tumble down
like soldiers standing at attention
for so long they fell asleep, they fell down
******************************

I want to cut our connection
I want to get past you
But I’m convinced the only way to escape
is to drive this truck on through you

Terrified of a half-pint girl in a $20 dress
in 10 years she’ll be blistered
by one too many of everything
convinced of her vulnerable invulnerability
Onto the next one month, one week, and one night stand

She just wants someone to hold her
to make the shaking stop
to make her feel like she’s something other
than someone’s else’s conquest, someone’s else’s notch
CHORUS
I will ruin myself against you
I will drag my tongue on through
I will lay this line down for you
I will fight all those who cross

My walls will tumble through you
my walls will crash down
like soldiers standing at attention
until they all fall down
=======================

And you ask me what are my intentions
as if all my intentions were bad
and I say, ‘Don’t treat me like that
We’ve come too far for you to treat me like that’
And I stumble blindly with my heart in my hands
My heart shredded and maimed
from one to many beatings and one night stands
My savage heart is beaten, my savage heart is tamed
And you a nymphet with agile hands
blindfold and lead me to the killing ground
an abbreviated ending to an exaggerated life
kneel me down, cut off these rude hands
And there you are, having one too many of everything
And here I am asleep
listening to my fading heart beat
Looking in opposite directions, you to the future, I to the past
and falling asleep.

Goodbye to good riddance
Goodbye to foreign lands
Goodbye to chastity and one night stands
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
CHORUS
I will ruin myself against you
I will drag the bodies away
I will slay a nightmare for you
I will drain my health away
I will cry your tears
I will take your blows
I will sing your song
I will crown you queen
I will tuck you in
I will caress your skin
I will taste your tongue
I will heal your hurts
I will give you shelter
I will lay you Lo
I will carry you to heaven
I will carry you in my arms

I will run forever
I will run forever
I will run till you tell me to stop

Java Me Darkly

Java me darkly, my darling
Java me darkly, my love
Odin’s sperm I soak
Satan’s spawn I sip
Strangling struggling anima
into buckets brimming brine

I face down this Cerberus and his three heads
Sleeplessness, Anxiety, and I-I-I forget
What mysteries do you hold?
One sip and then?
I dive into your muddy waters
Sweetened with kisses, bitter with regret
I’m waiting for the downfall
the freefall with no ripcord
the jitters, the shakes
I drink you, but you dr-i-i-ve me
And I no wanna come down

1 Cup
Not perked, but dripped
Not gulped, but sipped
Straight up, black, liquid shadow
Hotter than the tropics, sweaty, forbidden

2 Cup
Cream in it, could you cream in it?
Mmm, yumm
Sugar if you please
I like my coffee lumpy

3 Cup
Now I’m in for it
My head burns, my throat burns, my groin…
I can see in the dark!
Every word I write is inspired
Every word I speak a gem.

4 Cup
I count the cracks in the ceiling
the jumping sheep are LONG gone
leg of lamb, rack of lamb with mint jelly
lamb CHOP lamb CHOP lamb CHOP
(This would all be very funny if I didn’t have to
get up at 6 a.m.)

5 Cup
I see my landlord
rent is due
I scream,”How much do you want!”
(make “chop” motions to wrist, elbow, shoulder)
“Whole ting, gotta come off.”

6 Cup
I have a vision:

A man is standing in front of a microphone, ‘This
is
called “Rain and Coffee”.

White walls drain the night away
like coffee pushing fatigue for later
I’m sweetened with memories of kisses
bitter with choices, with refusals
hard driving in search of blue in the nightmare
rain
Can’t drive forever, thoughts of you not
withstanding
A truckload of cheap fixes, mother’s milk
mainlining the legal alienation
the only thing – the rush, the false feeling that//
love used to give
a faux caress, putting nerves like coins, on edge
And she rubs my shoulders while telling me

This is it, this is the last time

her smooth thighs on either side
and I’m driving, driving, driving///

I say I love you to the swirling black
adding powdered white to soften the blow
of the pounding rain.’

How much do you want?
Whole thing, gotta come off.

7 Cup
Nightmares
(Traffic noises distorted by Doppler)

8 Cup
You will never sleep again
You’ve forgotten to forget
Can you help me?
I need help.

9 Cup
Every nerve like bare electric wires
like bare aborigines dancing
like barren deserts, hot and dry
like memories you can’t bear
like the scream you can barely contain
like teeth bared
like you, barely hanging on
like 18 wheelers bearing down, bearing down,
bearing down on you!

Shut Up! Let him sing.

Java me darkly my darling
Java me darkly, my love
Java me darkly my darling
Java me darkly, my love.

RIP

Maintain the keystone
A rough cloth wiped on engraved rock
Build this house on midnight rides
and suicide

sylvia plath’s roommate
tried to check-out
tried to buy her way to a sensible world
with no-nonsense lead weights
52 white and round
-the menu for lunch
For dinner, they serve charcoal shakes
service in bed, and made her check-in.

Wipe the monolith that make skyscrapers dizzy
Drag the cloth, and pray for rain.

I tell time by the shadows
turning on the sundial of her face
Her expression scatters darkness, stops time
I put a quarter in my palm and say
tap it three times (hold out fist palm down)
One, two, three (open fist, and show that it’s empty)
She says, “I’ve got a better trick.”

The flowers wilt in the noontime sun
shaded by granite shadows

I talk to you, but there’s no answer
I carry you in my arms
I become your nonexistent legs
and you, you are the wind that makes even the mountains cower.
I carry you and stagger
1 step, each day for the rest of my life
Can you count the cracks in the sidewalk?
How many seconds have passed since you were born?
Do you remember the first time you fell down,
the last time you woke up screaming?
(It’s just a dream, go back to sleep)

I carry you and stagger
each step and then?
I walk and count each wave that crashes on the shore
I count each heartbeat since the day I was born:
(hold fist out, palm down, and count) 1, 2…

Schism

schism
Schism – Click image to play the flash movie

 

“For a hero loves the world till it breaks him” (William Butler Yeats)

Schism
Lay open the gape
see what bleeding comes

I laugh in the tiger’s face
dance in the smoldering coals
pride myself on survival
from the fist to the kissed

drag your bones in a pocketful of ashes
caress the club, love what smashes

I chase herizon
with the hair of the one who loved me,
and the scalp of the one who fought me
Mountains fall, make way for the valley’s return
valleys give way to rivers
oceans and shores and mountains rise again

I am dwindle and smack
I touch both sky and ocean
hopeful for the grand reunion
but savage hearts beat weakly
when faced with defeat
I sign terms on the withered vista
The victor breaking promises within earshot
promises thin as the paper they were written on

And when will I see my loved one again?
dreaming of you behind walls made stone
And when will I see you again?
my blushing bride, full of pride?

vows made on fractured plains
hide the tectonic
tsunamis swallow whole what once rose so majestically
‘I loved that which broke me’

separate the fragments, piece together
the broken history, follow the
spoor to what conquers
littering clean high desert plateau what heroes this Century brings

Only this caesura of lies to break the continuity of despair.
A parenthetical aside in a life of passive affections.

I am the broken
the shadow took me
where is that which once inspired?
A prism through which tortured light beams darkly
stains among clear water, the jester’s
painted smile concealing the frigid, the remote

I am cold and sleep eludes me
Where were you when the darkness came?
A back turned, face to warming pastures

Grapple me to sanctuary
What? Where?
and what has been broken cannot be mended
a river runs dry
a ship keeling runs aground on rocky shoals
a bell tolls:
forever…is forever…

halfface

Double Entendre

I thought you were the perfect girl
I dreamt we walked hand in hand by the Atheneum
I talked of our future and you
a golden fire, flushed dark
sparrows from tangled limbs.

You lived with your boyfriend on Fillmore
who dropped you off not suspecting a
thing, trusting, like a lover, trusting
we made love in my garret apartment with
paper thin walls, your screams shattered tea cups in China and broke my heart.

I thought you were the perfect girl
a black and white photograph
like the Keaton films we watched
on love seats at the Red Vic
while the rain outside softly adding it’s tympani to the soundtrack
their thoughtless trajectory in mindless pursuit of oneness.

And you across the room asking me
asking me what I want to do to do and I answer you
and you answer me, ‘if you want to touch me, then just touch me.’

Mantled in heavens like cloaks of stars
an open equation facing the eye of an angel
glinting with the fine strands of celestial knowledge made manifest
the color of water, a voice the sound of a nova collapsing of hearts breaking

Nothing is forever

what has a beginning has an ending,
and if I say it’s heads up, you ask what’s on the other side?
: an open equation facing the void

and where were you when you realized that you had to guard against the world?
wondering if your feeble limbs could grow courageous?
and what age were you when you resigned, and took up the plow of an everyday life,
brushing aside past dreams to a place called Enough?
and where were you when you rose in vertical velocity to overcome adversity,
and fell against a world with timeless patience eroding willfulness like rust?

Like Euridice, the spiral took you
what does not stand together tumbles apart
stones wept, moisture beading on fevered limbs

and here I stand years later,
argus-eyed and keen
absolving the past in laughter and forgetting
and still you exist in a gilded frame
daring me to forget
prodding me to laugh
saying, ‘what a perfect gift
such a beautiful failure.’
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