I will ruin myself against you

I used to be upstanding, outstanding

Hip, cool, a cracking whip
struck low by a half-pint chanteuse
in a polka dot dress and cherry red lipstick
A dime store clerk in a $20 dress
stressed for success
She hangs her head, convinced of a failure
of an intention not begun
An intention still born, dead

I will ruin myself against you
I will drag myself through filth
I will slay a dragon for you
I will give you all my wealth

My walls will tumble through you
my walls will tumble down
like soldiers standing at attention
for so long they fell asleep, they fell down

I want to cut our connection
I want to get past you
But I’m convinced the only way to escape
is to drive this truck on through you

Terrified of a half-pint girl in a $20 dress
in 10 years she’ll be blistered
by one too many of everything
convinced of her vulnerable invulnerability
Onto the next one month, one week, and one night stand

She just wants someone to hold her
to make the shaking stop
to make her feel like she’s something other
than someone’s else’s conquest, someone’s else’s notch
I will ruin myself against you
I will drag my tongue on through
I will lay this line down for you
I will fight all those who cross

My walls will tumble through you
my walls will crash down
like soldiers standing at attention
until they all fall down

And you ask me what are my intentions
as if all my intentions were bad
and I say, ‘Don’t treat me like that
We’ve come too far for you to treat me like that’
And I stumble blindly with my heart in my hands
My heart shredded and maimed
from one to many beatings and one night stands
My savage heart is beaten, my savage heart is tamed
And you a nymphet with agile hands
blindfold and lead me to the killing ground
an abbreviated ending to an exaggerated life
kneel me down, cut off these rude hands
And there you are, having one too many of everything
And here I am asleep
listening to my fading heart beat
Looking in opposite directions, you to the future, I to the past
and falling asleep.

Goodbye to good riddance
Goodbye to foreign lands
Goodbye to chastity and one night stands
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
I will ruin myself against you
I will drag the bodies away
I will slay a nightmare for you
I will drain my health away
I will cry your tears
I will take your blows
I will sing your song
I will crown you queen
I will tuck you in
I will caress your skin
I will taste your tongue
I will heal your hurts
I will give you shelter
I will lay you Lo
I will carry you to heaven
I will carry you in my arms

I will run forever
I will run forever
I will run till you tell me to stop

Java Me Darkly

Java me darkly, my darling
Java me darkly, my love
Odin’s sperm I soak
Satan’s spawn I sip
Strangling struggling anima
into buckets brimming brine

I face down this Cerberus and his three heads
Sleeplessness, Anxiety, and I-I-I forget
What mysteries do you hold?
One sip and then?
I dive into your muddy waters
Sweetened with kisses, bitter with regret
I’m waiting for the downfall
the freefall with no ripcord
the jitters, the shakes
I drink you, but you dr-i-i-ve me
And I no wanna come down

1 Cup
Not perked, but dripped
Not gulped, but sipped
Straight up, black, liquid shadow
Hotter than the tropics, sweaty, forbidden

2 Cup
Cream in it, could you cream in it?
Mmm, yumm
Sugar if you please
I like my coffee lumpy

3 Cup
Now I’m in for it
My head burns, my throat burns, my groin…
I can see in the dark!
Every word I write is inspired
Every word I speak a gem.

4 Cup
I count the cracks in the ceiling
the jumping sheep are LONG gone
leg of lamb, rack of lamb with mint jelly
lamb CHOP lamb CHOP lamb CHOP
(This would all be very funny if I didn’t have to
get up at 6 a.m.)

5 Cup
I see my landlord
rent is due
I scream,”How much do you want!”
(make “chop” motions to wrist, elbow, shoulder)
“Whole ting, gotta come off.”

6 Cup
I have a vision:

A man is standing in front of a microphone, ‘This
called “Rain and Coffee”.

White walls drain the night away
like coffee pushing fatigue for later
I’m sweetened with memories of kisses
bitter with choices, with refusals
hard driving in search of blue in the nightmare
Can’t drive forever, thoughts of you not
A truckload of cheap fixes, mother’s milk
mainlining the legal alienation
the only thing – the rush, the false feeling that//
love used to give
a faux caress, putting nerves like coins, on edge
And she rubs my shoulders while telling me

This is it, this is the last time

her smooth thighs on either side
and I’m driving, driving, driving///

I say I love you to the swirling black
adding powdered white to soften the blow
of the pounding rain.’

How much do you want?
Whole thing, gotta come off.

7 Cup
(Traffic noises distorted by Doppler)

8 Cup
You will never sleep again
You’ve forgotten to forget
Can you help me?
I need help.

9 Cup
Every nerve like bare electric wires
like bare aborigines dancing
like barren deserts, hot and dry
like memories you can’t bear
like the scream you can barely contain
like teeth bared
like you, barely hanging on
like 18 wheelers bearing down, bearing down,
bearing down on you!

Shut Up! Let him sing.

Java me darkly my darling
Java me darkly, my love
Java me darkly my darling
Java me darkly, my love.